| i am disgusting. |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|06:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my summer as a salvation soldier. | ] |
i have had e-fucking-nough.
things are going so slowly recently and it's all down to me.
im not going to blame anyone else because it's all me.
i'm so fucking gross and just indulge all the time, feeding my obese face.
what is wrong with me? am i really this weak and pathetic?
obviously its not going to be easy i know that. but i need to get myself back on track and resist food. things were going soooooooo well and then i fucked things up.
well tomorrow is the start of everything i wanna be a stone lighter for going back to college in september. i fucking hate myself. im sick of being self concious. i want to be stick thin and beautiful, and i want others to realise too.
this is my life, and i chose happiness which means i chose the perfect body image.
I WILL BE THIN.
TOMORROW IS THE START OF EVERYTHING.
and weirdly enough i am happy right now because i know i can do this. |
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| since forever! |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|06:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lindsay lohan- over | ] |
i have been away, it is a long story and i'd rather not talk about it but i'm back and i'm as (if not more) determined to do this.
i need to look nice for the summer. and looking nice means being skinny. this week has been rather good eating wise but i refuse to weigh myself till next friday so i will notice more of a difference and not get disheartened if i haven't lost like a pound every day!
but yeah me and my best are going away so i need to look nice!
i am so positive minded and strong which is what it takes i guess.
today my intake of fat was 1.2 grams as opposed to the 70 grams of fat i am meant to consume as a woman each day.
okay i guess. tomorrow will only be better.also how much does mary-kate inspire me! just looking at pictures of her make me not wanna consume another piece of food for as long as i live!
xx |
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| Thursday. |
[May. 18th, 2006|08:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blur- boys & girls. | ] |
Thursday.
cup full of cereal.
=rather good day :) however i'll probably have a couple of gin and tonics when my friend comes over soon. also! big brother starts soon, so i can look forward to a summer filled with reality tv haha! well at least during the day anyway.
also i realised that i am at my lowest weight that i can ever remember being as a teenager (i'm 17 now) so that's obviously good. i'm still not happy though and i will strive for perfection!
x |
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| Wednesday. |
[May. 17th, 2006|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | joy division | ] |
Wednesday
low fat yoghurt.
rice cakes.
diet coke.
3 cigarettes.
=today was o.k didn't eat too much fat/calories && walked home from college and drank shit loads of water. i didn't even want to eat the rice cakes but i had eng lit and my teacher is starting to look at me funny as my tummy is always rumbling so i raided the shop for the lowest fat item i could find.
the scales will tell me how good i have been tomorrow :D
also! 1 week 1 day till faye's party.
and my new extensions arrived and they are amazing!
x |
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| Tuesday. |
[May. 16th, 2006|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Razorlight | ] |
Tuesday
handful of cereal with non fat milk.
4 cigarettes.
=today has been a success..
not just because i didn't eat too much but also because i actually turned down a night out clubbing! it's the first in a long time.
i just figured i'm in the middle of my exams and should be revising, and perhaps more importantly i get sooo hungry and weak when i'm hungover that i feel like i have to eat in order to survive! and it's really not worth it. plus! 2 of my ex's were out and i really couldn't be arsed with fighting :(
it's one of my close friend's birthday party next sunday and she has hired out a club near me for fancy dress so i deperately need to be quite a bit thinner for then as i want to be wonder woman!
haha. i was tempted to do the whole potato thing like from ross in that episode of friends but i was strongly advised against, i have no clue why.
 | You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.
Satanism | | 63% | Christianity | | 58% | Buddhism | | 54% | agnosticism | | 54% | Islam | | 50% | atheism | | 46% | Judaism | | 46% | Paganism | | 38% | Hinduism | | 29% | </td>
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| monday. |
[May. 15th, 2006|07:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | underOath | ] |
monday
small portion of cereal.
really low fat yoghurt
a small amount of sushi before exam to prevent embarrasing rumblings!
= all in all, it was an okish day. i reckon i burned some off also as i walked the long way home from college, so that's a positive thing. i have also had no cups of tea today just water so no calories etc from that. i wrote down all of the things i am aiming for and that really lifted my spirits, there's so much i crave! (not talking about food here!)
x |
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| distorted eyes, when everything is clearly dying. |
[May. 11th, 2006|06:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silverchair- freak | ] |
i fucking disgust myself.
i just pig out, do i want to get fatter and fatter? i can't answer why i do it, i appear to have no self control. i am skinnier now than i was 2/3 years ago on holiday when i was like 15-ish and now i want to throw it away? fuck that.
however, i'm not going to dwell on it for one moment.
i have my a-levels in like 2 weeks! and after that there's like 3 partys and the orange festival is on & graham coxon is playing! and last year i just remember feeling so fat and gross so this year it will be different. i want to know that i have progressed from last year.
infact for the orange festival i am aiming for half a stone which is easily done. i'm not weighing myself for a week as i most probs have put on weight, so next week i should be back down, and i aim for 7lbs. easy!
positive thinking! haha.
xx |
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| I JUST WANT TO BREAK YOU DOWN SO BADLY! |
[May. 10th, 2006|08:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | OBSESE | ] |
| [ | music |
| | taking back sunday | ] |
IMUSTNOTEATIMUSTNOTEATIMUSTNOTEATCANTBEAFATFUCKER
MUSTNOTEATMUSTNOTBEFATANDREPULSIVEANDOBESEANDDISGUSTING |
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| time square can't shine as bright as you. |
[May. 5th, 2006|09:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chemical brothers- hey boys, hey girls. | ] |
i had such a fucking lush day today.
i am in love with rosie, she is the best friend i could ever ask for.
we just lie and laugh for hours and she understand me more than i believe i know myself.
so excited for tomorrow! haha me and the girls are all dressing up as scene kids and emo's in celebration for jackson as he is partial to a black sweeping side frige and a septum piercing or some sort, here or there!
it will take me back to the days. hopefully i still have my old shit- the trusty skinny jeans will hopefully get me through the night. and i hope the ex fucking b/f isn't there to ruin my night. TWAT.
haha jess is picking me up after work in her new car! i swear to god it is actually hilarious! she's all emo too and when i saw her car i was like wtf! it has pink fluffy dice, pink steering wheel, pink seat covers, and this huge pink dog creature in the back! anyway her pink car is the least of my worries as i swear it's like a near death experience everytime i hop in the thing. we were going to the beach the other day but she took a wrong turn so was looking for a back alley or somewhere to lead us back instead she decided to go around a round about but it was one of those minute drawn on ones that you cant do a u- turn on as it's illegal. however jess didn't register this small detail and spun around it, mounted the pavement & drove along it for about 2 minutes nearly knocking half of the population over as she went. i swear to god! she doesn't she a problem in curb dunching either haha.
anyway!
3 days without eating hardly anything! its so good :) except i'm really bloated due to not being able to go to the toilet! haha. i'll lose half my body weight when i do.
cant wait!
ihopeidontbingetomorrownight!
i can't ruin this as for a rare moment i am happy.
xxx |
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| we'll play dead. |
[May. 4th, 2006|08:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | incubus- are you in. | ] |
day two and i'm going strong, not feeling weak or anything.
saturday is judgement day tho as i'm going out to a club for my mates birthday and when i'm drunk and i come home i can never think rationally, in my head im just like "course you can eat, why not" etc etc. and i dont feel guilty about it or anything then i wake up the next morning and im like "shiiit, i really shouldnt have eaten" and then im like "i guess ill eat today anyway cause i already ruined it". so when i get home on sat i'm determined to just go upstairs NOT into the kitchen. i'll be fine if i can avoid that :)
i've decided not to weigh myself till next tues, as i wont have lost anything by sunday and i don't want to dissapoint myself.
fingers crossed :) ♥
- horoscope for today:
"You may be more likely to feel unrecognized now, but this isn't necessarily based on reality. Instead of acting in a more grandiose way, hoping that others will notice, just take the time to check it out."
hahah bullshit. |
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| I LET YOU DOWN. |
[May. 2nd, 2006|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | REPULSIVE | ] |
| [ | music |
| | THE KOOKS | ] |
what has happened to me? i seriously have no idea it's like i'm a different person. a couple of months ago i could go for weeks and weeks and not feel weak or anything, i would be quite happy sitting starving and never thought of food and now it's so shit. i can not eat for like 5 days then eat over the weekend obviously fucking up all my hard work. i'm never going to lose anything with this cycle. i don't even know why i do it. i dont associate food with happiness like some people infact i associate it with guilt and weakness.. so why i do it i have no idea. i need to turn this around. i'm getting so many compliments and even i can see that my body is getting better, obviously i still have miles to go but im never never going to get there if i keep feeding my FAT FACE. i'll end up putting everything back on and i dont even wanna think about what i would do. i reckon that it's because i dont have a target to aim for.
like last time i went for like a few months without slipping up when i wanted to buy a new dress for this party. so maybe i need a goal. i think i'm just gunna have to take each day as it comes. i LOVE the feeling of emptiness and right now my stomach is full and it makes me want to die. i tried to be sick but i couldnt do it. my eyes were streaming and my throat was burning and nothing would come, personally its probably because i dont want to get into the whole thing.. it just seemed like my only option.
anyway i'm going to aim for two weeks solid.
cereal and tea with non-fat milk.
&& excersise.
i just need to do this, i don't want to go through life hating myself.
if i dont have a perfect body then i'll have nothing.
i measure myself against everyone and until im better than them i'll never stop. |
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| self control must be obtained. |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|11:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | breathe me- sla must listen to it it's amazing! | ] |
i need to fall asleep and wake up with a fresh, new day.
i was doing so well. all week i have been good and its paid off as i have now officially lost a stone in about 4 weeks. obviously it's slower than i could have managed it but at least it's off.
yesterday was great i had a yoghurt for breakfast and walked for a couple off hours and i'd lost two pounds when i weighed myself this morning.
however today was a complete letdown on my behalf. i don't know what happened.
i kept making myself food. first i made myself pasta but when it was done i couldnt eat it and threw it in the bin and the same happened with chips i made and bread. however i did eat two muffins and a couple of bits of chocolate and some cereal. fuck i feel HUGE! i know what it wont make me put any weight on but it does slow down my loosing process.
tomorrow i'm eating a yoghurt for breakfast and allowing myself two cups of tea with non fat milk and that's it.
the same goes for monday and then i'll weigh myself and see how i'm doing.
i've finally decided on a target. i am aiming for a size 4/6 (u.s size 0/2) god knows if it'll take long i just need to keep at this and not fuck it up!
i love the rush of loosing weight. i'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. to be honest i dont have many friends who care about me anymore anyway. i can't wait till i can move away to go to uni.
i'm going to australia next summer backpacking so obviously i neeeeed to be skinny by then. im not walking around sweating like a big fat lard arsed pig.
sometimes i frustrate myself so much. i wish today had never happened.
xx |
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| rool on school?! |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|08:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | architecture in helsinki- do the whirlwind. | ] |
today:
1 small portion of purple berry special k with a little bit of skimmed milk.
1 muller yoghurt.
1 glass of ribena.
2 cups of earl grey with skimmed milk.
overall today was ok, could have done better.
even though i was looking forward to the start of the holidays because it would mean i would eat less as i didn't feel pressured, i was actually wrong about that!
i have realised that i need routine or it just goes wrong.. i eat at different times, eat out with the family! overall it is so much worse! overall i lost like 11 lbs in 3 weeks and then the easter holidays came and i didn't actually lose any weight like i though infact i put on a lb! which to be honest is better than i thought as that time away meant i really ate.
this week has gone ok though i guess. however i am excited to get back to college and get back into my fasting routine etcc. i plan to lose 3lbs by this time next week and a stone (14lbs) by this time next month. i really need to do this.
today i was looking for photos of me when i was younger to show to my friend, and looking back at them i realised i have never actually been happy with my weight. my mum was telling me how i used to refuse to wear a summer dress when i was like 8 because i felt fat and that really got to me.
i have gone through life feeling uncomfortable and fat and out of place.
i don't want it to continue, i don't want to spend the rest of my life being self concious!
so today is focus! i need to get back into that routine and carry on as i have done, by losing weight!
i'm working tomorrow so that's like a work out itself! i hate work so much- the boss is horrible and finds any excuse to scream at me. the other girls i work with don't give me the time of day either.
i actually dread going to work half way through the week, however losing weight has gave me a lot more confidence and determination which is always good to deal with them! anyway if i can just get those seven hours out of the way tomorrow i have the night to look forward to!
me and fleck are going to town to bullet proof (an indie club) where we usually get wankered (very drunk) dance till our feet bleeed, well mine always do due to ridiculous shoes, and check out the boys!
haha they are amazing! i was actually just thinking the other day how much i love being single! this is the first time in ages i haven't had a b/f recently it had just been one shit lad after another but now it's great- i don't have to explain to anyone where i'm at or arrange my time around them.
like i said anyway i don't expect a man to love me until i can learn to love myself (in other words when i'm skinny).
so anyway, back to business! the target for next friday is to be three lbs down. i hope so much i am!
if i don't update before then i'll report back.
♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the kooks- sofa song | ] |
i'm feeling a lot more positive this week.
after i wrote that last entry i went away for the weekend and went shopping and it helped me forget about things that were getting me down. now i'm back i sorted things with friends and i'm so proud of myself for staying off the drink so far. i'm getting in loads of revision too.
i started over on monday and i didn't eat all day, i only drank water and had a cup of coffee.
my mum made me bacon sandwiches and gave me crisps so i had to hide them in containers in my room. i hate lying but i'd rather lie than be fat.
tuesay was good too. i ate nothing and drank tea to keep my tummy from growling.
this morning i had a wine glass full of frosties (weird i know! it's just to control my protion sizes) and a cup of tea, so not a lot of calories/fat there and i'll allow myself another cup of tea and thats it.
then i'm fasting till sunday, as im back at school on monday and will have to start eating a bit more :(
but it's ok, i'm not gunna get disheartened, at least it's coming off!
all my friends have noticed im losing more, every one is commenting and asking me what my secret is. i just tell them i dont eat late.
nearly true!
♥ |
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| funk soul brother! |
[Apr. 14th, 2006|10:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | girlsaloud! | ] |
i just want to feel happiness.
i have started talkingto complete strangers.
they can't judge me and i wont have to answer to them when i sober up.
i had a fight with my mum last night.
like an actual fist fight.
i'm so depressed but no one will listen.
i am emotionally drained.
tonight i am going to take drugs drink and dance myself into oblivion.
i'm not valued.
i'm fat.
i'm greedy.
i'm repulsive.
i'm also repetitve and tiring, with this i do apologise. |
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| crash&burn. |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|08:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | black wire! <3 | ] |
i have been putting this entry off all day as i have so much to get off my chest but it physically hurts to think about it, however i guess i need to deal with these feelings- it'll be good for my progress.
today is possibly the lowest i have felt in a long while. i'm so weak and numb; all of my emotion has dryed up. i can't even cry i just sit and shake- i don't have the physical strength to cry. things are really getting worse and although i haven't admitted it to myself i guess i am depressed. not in the silly school girl way "i'm so depressed this boy wont kiss me" blah blah, but seriously depressed.
i used to be such a positive person and i was always striving to get ahead of the game- with friends, college work- everything. however over the last couple of weeks i just see no point in getting up in the morning- no point in my existence.
i don't know if it's simply paranoia but i feel like everyone has deserted me.
i guess my friends have in a way, it just appears that no one wants to be my friend anymore and it hurts a lot as i've always been rather popular. i can't even think straight right now, i have millions of thoughts mulling about in my head but i just can't get them out. i don't know if the thoughts i'm feeling are real or if i'm just emotionally drained, tired and confused.
i can't bear for anyone to see me. i just want to fade away.
i want to grow weaker and thinner each day and i will go in peace without the arguments and pain of day to day live. i will go how i thrive to be-thin and appreciated.
which brings me back to the friend problem- to be honest i think they might be jealous as i have always been the fat one and now i am challenging them in every way, something which they most definitely were not expecting.
but i will challenge them and win them all. i am sick of them leaving me out and pitying me. i'm sick of being treat with care, incase i break down or show any form of emotion. because people arent allowed to do that, oh no its always got to be happy happy smiley faces up for fun 24/7. when in reality IT'S JUST NOT.
everyone lets me down. i can't count on anyone but myself however even that alone is becoming challenging. it's true what they say aboutthe things that once made you so happy about having an ED soon fades.
i remember how happy and positive i was at the start. the world was my oyster along with everything with it. i was positive about the job i hated, my college course, my social life, my family life, my future- so much. even jumping on the scales and finding out i've lost weight or needing to buy the size below doesn't make me happy anymore. i always want more and i hate that feeling.
i'm scared where this will take me. maybe things will change when i have lost weight and i'm happy with myself, maybe then i will be happy in everything else.
to be honest i know it's wishful thinking. to be honest i know it will never happen.
i told my friend last night about my disorder and sha confessed that her mum suffers too and she's been cutting herself and it was just so strange because you would never have expected it. she's so "motherly" and proper, if you get what i mean. it does just go to show that it can reach out to anyone and everyone. everyone has the power to change their lives, only some are lucky enough to have the strength. see this is exactly what i'm talking about! i dont understand whether i should be grateful or loathsome. no scrap that, i am eternally grateful for this oppourtunity and i should recognise that and i do.
i will make the most of it aslong as people don't interfere.
i succeeded in fasting for two days, had a portion of rice last night after i got in from clubbing (my friend said her boyfriend didnt even recognise me because i have lost weight :D:D). i shouldn't have eaten it but when i'm drunk i dont think straight and could eat a fucking horse, luckily i didn't. i was just feeling a bit lonely and sad. but whatever, whats done is done now.
only ate one yoghurt today so thats good and GOODNEWS! i havent even put any weight on after my two days on bingeing infact i have lost half a pound. i am so luckiy. probably have to eat something tomorrow as my mum is suspecting but shes at work on friday so im eating or drinking nothing except water all day as me and my family are going to york for a couple of nights and she has promised to buy me some new clothes (i am too small for my old ones :D) and it'll be good to lose the extra pounds.
i really need to look on the brightside as there's no point wallowing in self pity, it's only going to make things worse for me- i should be happy that i am changing what i have longed to do for so long and it is successful too.
i should be happy, i am happy. i have a family, my health, a couple of decent friends-i'll be okay, i'm strong.
i hope everyone else's fasts etc are paying off!
:) ♥ |
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| INNER STRENGTH BEGINS TODAY! |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | johnny cash | ] |
i'm feeling positive about this fast!
i'm staying at my friend's flat and they have been eating crisps and bread all night and day but i have stayed strong.
she even noticed that i have lost "loads of weight" millions more to go!
i just need to do this and i know i have the potential.
anyway i'm off to feed the ducks mouldy bread with julz now haha it'll be fun :)
black wire are playing tomorrow also! excited much?!
loves ♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|07:15 pm] |
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i am fucked up to the point of no recognition. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|07:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | IAMAFATFUCK | ] |
I DISGUST MYSELF.
ALL MY HARD WORK IS GONE.
ALL OF IT.
I AM FAT AND WORTHLESS AND I DONT DESRVE TO BE AROUND.
TWO DAYS OF EATING LIKE A FAT FUCKING CUNT.
I NEED TO GO TO BED SO TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY.
5 DAYS OF FASTING AND I NEED TO HAVE LOST 1LB.
I AM NOT GOING ON THE SCALES TILL FRIDAY BECAUSE IF I HAVE PUT ONN WEIGHT I DONT EVEN WANNA SAY WHAT I WILL DO TO MYSELF.
RIGHT NOW I WANT TO DIE |
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| down the pan. |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|04:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
i am such a fat fucking failure. |
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